


野の花 (nonohana) - Wildflowers

by neverdanceagain



Series: 花 (hana) - Flowers [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aromantic, Aromantic Asexual, Asexual Character, Asexual Kozume Kenma, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou are Bros, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Friend, M/M, aroace
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:42:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27416713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverdanceagain/pseuds/neverdanceagain
Summary: Where Kenma discovers the letter A in LGBTQIA, thanks to Kuroo.Or, where Kuroo is head over heels in love with his childhood friend.“Why don’t you understand that I can’t love you back?” he jumps off the fence and walks away to put some distance between them, but hears Kuroo’s footsteps behind him. “I’ve tried to feel that way and I can’t!” he whips around, throwing his arms in the air. “And guess what? I have never felt sexual attraction, either!” he lets his arms fall by his side, unable to meet Kuroo’s eyes. “Do you really want to be with someone who can’t give you what you need?” his voice brakes multiple times in the last sentence and he gulps.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: 花 (hana) - Flowers [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003071
Comments: 5
Kudos: 41





	1. A bad dream

**Author's Note:**

> This story is structured like a sequence of one-shots and is meant to be the spin off of "桜 (sakura) - When the cherry blossoms"!  
> I'll be careful to avoid spoilers, so you can read it even if you didn't read the other fanfiction ;)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not speak Japanese, if the title is wrong I'd be happy to correct it!

He fumbles with the keys between his fingers, frantically looking for the round and yellow one, cursing under his breath when it slips through his grip and he has to look for it all over again. Eventually, he manages to slide it into the lock and turn it twice before the door clicks open. He’s slightly taken aback: it normally takes one single turn to enter, but it seems the door has been locked by someone.

He shrugs the thought away and speed walks up the stairs and to the second floor, in two large strides he finds himself at the end of the corridor, in front of the so familiar white door. He gently knocks twice before stepping in, not even half expecting to hear a reply, and closes the door behind his back.

On the bed, wrapped in the dark sheets, is an undefined figure: pale limbs holding tightly onto the pillow, blonde hair sprawled out on top of it and a clearly visible drool hanging from the corner of his lips. Kuroo sighs, crouching down beside him before moving the hair away from his face with a caress. His hand rests on top of his forehead and his heart skips a beat. He’s burning.

Kenma must have felt his presence, because his nose twitches and he chokes on his spit as he abruptly regains consciousness.

“Easy there, it’s just me” Kuroo helps him up in a sitting position, letting his head rest on his shoulder. “You caught a fever, uh?”

Kenma lifts up his head, ignoring the throb in his temples and the heaviness of his skull. “I told you to text before coming” he scolds him, “especially when I’m home alone. You scared me.”

Kuroo gives him a small, apologetic smile while he lays him back down on the bed. “Sorry, I got worried when Tora told me you were not at school today.”

Kenma grunts, “Stop acting like my mum” but he actually intertwines his fingers with Kuroo’s and holds his hand against his cheek. But suddenly, his eyes flutter open, albeit with a huge effort, and he furrows his forehead. “Shouldn’t you be in class, too?”

“I told you I was worried” he sighs, standing up and letting go of his hand. “It’s only a half an hour drive, anyways.” His hands mechanically tuck the sheets tightly around Kenma and he tests his forehead once more, deciding to fetch the thermometer. When he’s back, he gestures for Kenma to take it.

Kenma shuffles a bit, trying to find his own armpit under the covers, while mumbling: “You shouldn’t skip classes. College is harder than high school, if you didn’t know.”

“I knew your parents weren’t home and, for the third time, I was worried” he replies in a monotonous voice.

“Well” Kenma closes his eyes, resting his hand on Kuroo’s knee “thanks.”

He bends a little to place a kiss on his forehead “No worries.”

“What do you plan to do? Stay here until I’m feeling better?” there’s no hint of any emotion in Kenma’s words. Just facts.

“I can, if you want.”

Kenma shrugs in answer, muttering a ‘whatever’ and already knowing that he’s going to stay over anyways.

“I wanted to catch up with Yakkun, I still need to give him back the tape of our match against Karasuno.” He smiles at the memory of last winter’s nationals.

Kenma’s lips curve into a smile as well, then he chucks his hand under his t-shirt to grab the thermometer and give it to Kuroo, without even bothering to check it.

His eyes widen a little “Jesus, it’s 38.5°C (101°F)” he flicks his wrist to lower the thermometer. “How do you feel? Did you eat? Do you want some medicine?”

Kenma squeezes his eyes shut with a low grunt. “Fuck, Tetsuro, leave me alone” he mumbles.

Kuroo is slightly sad of the answer, but decides to blame it on the fever. “Did you catch a cold or what?”

“I don’t know” the exhaustion is clear even if his voice is feeble “I woke up this morning like this. Last night I had a headache.”

“Let’s try to eat then, alright?” he refrains from touching his face, fearing that he might feel too hot already and he would just make it worse. “I’ll make you something, then you can take an aspirin or whatever it is that you usually take.” He pats his shoulder before standing back up from the bed and walking out of the bedroom, making sure to close the door behind him.

* * *

“I don’t know, he said he woke up like this” he takes a ladle to pour the miso soup in a bowl, putting it on the tray next to a small portion of rice.

“That’s weird, isn’t it?” Yaku mumbles in the middle of a bite.

“Maybe he didn’t dress properly. I always had to remind him to put on a scarf, but since I’m not around anymore…” he trails off, placing the tray on the table and taking a deep breath. Going to college was supposed to be a nice experience.

“Yeah, about that” Yaku takes a sip of his soup before continuing, leaving Kuroo in suspense and a little bit of annoyance, “Why have you come back already? I’ve seen you around a lot this summer.”

“Kenma’s parents went on a business trip for one full month, I didn’t want him to feel lonely.” He shrugs, eyes never meeting his friend.

Yaku sighs loudly, placing his hands on the table and looking down. His expression turns cold and serious and Kuroo instantly knows that he’s about to give one of his way too straightforward advices. “Kuroo, are you in love with Kenma?”

The kitchen is swallowed by a thick silence, the gentle bubbling of the soup on the stove being the only sound. When Kuroo tries to speak, he stutters and stumbles on his words, so Yaku takes the chance to talk.

“I really don’t think he feels the same way about you, man” his tone is flat but there’s a tilt to his words, as if he was trying to handle a fragile object. “It’s no good for you, just go to college and meet someone new. You’re just going to get hurt if you keep doing this.”

Maybe it’s the fact that Yaku never lies or maybe it’s because he’s feeling exposed for the first time, but he can sense tears sting inside his eyes and he rubs his nose with the back of his hand. “You don’t understand” his voice cracks in the middle of the sentence and Yaku awkwardly looks away.

“I just don’t see a happy future for you, if you stick by his side like this” he whispers to his empty bowl, then he gets up to give him a manly hug. “Put yourself first, okay?” he pats his shoulder and walks out the door with a wave.

Kuroo shuts the door behind his friend and leans his back against it, hands rubbing his eyes and drying his moist eyelashes. He takes a really deep breath, trying to connect his mind to his senses, and blinks to clear his vision. When he does, he double checks to be sure of what he’s seeing, but when his brain connects the dots, his chest becomes heavy and his heart booms in his throat. “Kenma?” Lord please, tell me he didn’t hear the conversation.

“I smelled soup and got hungry” he whispers, burying his hands in the pockets of his Mario Bros onesie, then he wobbles into the kitchen, plopping on a chair and sipping his soup quietly.

Alright, he didn’t hear it.

* * *

Kenma is tumbling around in his king-sized bed, careless of Kuroo sleeping a few centimeters away: he knows he won’t wake up. He turns on his side and checks the time on his alarm. It’s three AM, but his head is throbbing from the fever and unwanted thoughts.

With a sigh, he forces his legs to slide off the bed and into his slippers, then he stumbles across the room to grab a blanket to wrap around his shoulders and proceeds towards the corridor and down the staircase, trying not to think about the dizziness and his wobbly legs. Once he falls on the couch, he shrinks inside the blanket holding his knees to his chest, thinking back about the conversation he heard.

He didn’t mean to eavesdrop, he was truly coming down for the soup, but stopped on the stairs when he heard his name. And boy, now he wishes he never did.

Tetsuro is in love with him. Even if he can’t say that he’s surprised, hearing it out loud and having it confirmed is something else. Hot tears roll down his eyes and chin, as his chest hurts and shrinks around his heart. He’s been thinking about Kuroo being in love with him for years now and he has tried many times to understand if he felt the same. And he has felt many times like a horrible human being: not only was he unable to love him back, but he also wanted to keep him for himself. He’s so selfish, so cynical and fucked up. How can he demand to have him, when he can’t find those romantic feelings anywhere inside him?

But still, it’s not like he didn’t care for him. He does, a lot: he’s always been hyper protective of his childhood friend, always wanting him to have the best option available and always making sure he was feeling okay. Isn’t this what friends do, though?

Then why can’t he let him go? Why does his heart break at the mere thought of sharing him with anyone? Why does the image of Tetsuro sleeping in someone else’s bed make him want to scream? How is it possible that he still enjoys cuddles and kisses, even without those feelings? That when Kuroo is holding his hand, everything feels suddenly so still and peaceful inside him?

He doesn’t blush. He’s never felt butterflies in his stomach. He’s never been nervous before meeting up with him. He’s never craved his touch or his attention. He doesn’t think about him _that_ way.

‘Then why can’t I just let him go?’, he sobs inside the hood of the onesie, rubbing his eyes with his hands and feeling his skin burning hot, but not caring about it. ‘Maybe I deserve this, maybe I got sick because I’m just horrible’, he hiccups clutching the blanket in his hands.

“Kenma, what are you doing? Why aren’t you in bed?” Kuroo jumps down the last step and leaps on the couch, landing next to him and touching his face to clear up his tears. “Shit, your fever is higher” his eyes narrow and he quickly grabs the thermometer from the table to put it under Kenma’s arm. He engulfs him in a hug, kissing the top of his head, while Kenma is unable to stop sobbing. “What happened?”

“Just” Kenma shakes his head on Kuroo’s chest, biting his lip “had a bad dream.”

“Aw” Kuroo coos, rubbing his back and peppering his face with small kisses. When his sobs have died out, Kuroo gently helps him stand back up and brings him to the bed. Here, he hugs him tightly and asks if he wants to talk about it, but Kenma shakes his head. “Alright” he lets his fingers slide through his hair and plants a kiss on the tip of his nose “sleep tight.”

Despite the whole situation and his previous thoughts, Kenma finds himself chuckling and answers in a whisper: “Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”


	2. Aromanticism is valid

Ignoring your best friend isn’t an easy task. Especially when they have a key to your house and live next door. Add the fact that he usually calls at least once a day and he texts him constantly.

Kenma misses him, but he always reminds himself that he’s doing it for his best friend’s own good. He’s seriously thinking about his future: when Kuroo went back to his college, after the fever faded, he decided it was time for them to grow apart. It was time Kuroo found someone else. As for himself, he didn’t feel the need to find anyone.

When he thinks about his future, he sees himself in a nice house with two cats and too many video games. He doesn’t want a happily ever after, he doesn’t need someone to live with for the rest of his days. Kuroo deserves to have that, if that’s what he wants. This is why he needs to move on and away from him.

He opens the texts on his phone, still pretending he didn’t read them.

 _2012.11.11 - 18:03_ **From: Tetsuro**

Why have you been ignoring me, Kenma?

 _2012.11.11 – 18:10_ **From: Tetsuro**

Did I do something?

 _2012.11.11 – 18:57_ **From: Tetsuro**

You barely even talk to me anymore

 _2012.11.11 – 19:02_ **From: Tetsuro**

I haven’t seen you in weeks, I just miss you Ken

 _2012.11.11 – 21:55_ **From: Tetsuro**

Sleep tight

He lets out a heavy sigh, leaning his elbows on the windowsill of his bedroom and pressing his forehead against the cold window, breath fogging up the glass.

 _2012.11.12 – 8:02_ **From: Tetsuro**

Meet me at the park today after lunch. I want to talk.

He squeezes his eyes shut then opens them again to look outside the window. He can see him, sitting on the dry-stone fence just a few feet away from the swings. He checks his phone pretty frequently and Kenma feels a sting of guilt biting him between his ribs when he realizes that he’s still waiting for his reply. After all, he still cares for his best friend and there’s no way he’ll ever stop: he hates to see him hurting. The minimum he can do is explain. He owes him a conversation, at the very least.

It’s not easy to talk about something you can’t even understand yourself. Kenma has been playing the dialogue in his head, trying to find the right things to say. But the truth is, he doesn’t know what to tell him, because he doesn’t know what he feels for him.

With a sigh, he pushes himself away from the window and speed-walks downstairs, grabbing a jacket on his way out. He has to walk just around the corner to find him, sitting exactly like he saw him from the window, but looking much more tired from up close.

Kuroo tilts his head when he hears footsteps behind him and turns his face to the side just barely. He doesn’t need to look at him to know that he’s there.

“I thought you wouldn’t come” his voice is flat and void of emotions, making Kenma shudder a little while he sits down beside him, feet dangling in the air. Kuroo sends a quick glance in his direction and a corner of his lips tugs up, while he opens his jacket to extract some fluffy material from under his arm. “Here” he offers him the cloth, but Kenma is looking at him in question, so he adds: “you always forget your scarf.”

Kenma mumbles a thank you and wraps himself inside the warm scarf, somewhat touched by the thought. “You said you wanted to talk?”

Kuroo nods, kicking the soil under his feet and burying his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Just… did I offend you in some way?” he tentatively asks, eyes fixed on the floor under them.

“No” Kenma simply states, not daring to add anything else.

“Then why?” when he turns his head to openly look at him, he feels tears build up in the corner of his eyes.

Kenma gulps a couple of times, too aware of the crack in Kuroo’s voice. He repeats the words he imagined to say in his head, but nothing comes out. His tongue is heavy and still inside his mouth.

“What happened so suddenly?” the exasperation is clear in his tone, he gently grabs Kenma’s arm, forcing him to look at him, and slightly raises his voice when he adds: “Why won’t you talk to me?”

“I’ve heard you” is the only sentence coming out of his lips. He bites his tongue, scrunching up his nose. He didn’t mean to phrase it like this. “What you told Yaku.”

Kuroo’s eyes grow rounder and his face blanches, letting go of Kenma’s sleeve. “What?”

“Two weeks ago, at my house” he nods “I heard what you said.” He looks at him, pressing his lips together and trying to ignore the knot in his throat. “And I agree with Yaku.”

Kuroo’s shoulders slump under an invisible heavy burden, his hands hanging uselessly by his side. He holds the same position for three minutes straight, Kenma is starting to think that he probably should add something but the words die inside his lungs when he hears him sniffling.

“Was he right?”

Kenma’s head snaps towards him and his eyebrows shoot up on his forehead.

“You don’t love me back?”

His voice is small, raspy and feeble, he gasps sharply at the end of the sentence. A sudden urge to hold him overwhelms Kenma, so he scoots closer, bumping their shoulders together. “Tetsuro, I…” he’s cut off by choked sobs coming from his best friend and he feels him shake beside him. A crease forms between his eyebrows as he lets one arm circle Kuroo’s shoulders, making him hide his face in the crook of his neck. “The truth is that I don’t know what I feel for you” he finally manages to say in a whisper, his breath condensing in the cold air right above Kuroo’s ear.

Kuroo sniffles loudly and tries to clear his throat, without evident success. “You don’t know?”

The hope in his voice makes him want to dig a grave right there and then disappear inside it for the rest of his days. He shakes his head with a grim expression “I don’t want you to be stuck in _this_ forever.”

Kuroo lifts his head up from Kenma’s shoulder to look at him in confusion. “Stuck? What do you mean?”

“I don’t want” he stops mid-sentence, reconsidering his choice of words and biting his lip “I _can’t_ have a relationship. Not with you and not with anybody else.”

Kuroo changes position, sitting with his legs crossed to face him. “What holds you back?”

Knema chuckles softly, “nothing” he whispers shaking his head. “I just _can’t_. I don’t see myself in a romantic relationship.”

Kuroo is silent for a few moments, just studying his profile and his blonde hair escaping from the messy bun, whipped by the wind on his face. Without even connecting the action to his brain, he catches a few strands to tuck them behind his ear. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

“Neither do I” Kenma shrugs with a faint smile.

“But” Kuroo inhales sharply, still trying to recover from his crying “how do you feel about me? Regardless of the relationship thing.”

Kenma stares at the pale grass, then he lifts his chin to look at the heavy clouds running above their heads. He smells rain. “I care deeply about you” he gulps, closing his eyes “and I would never want to lose you.” He lets his head fall forward, nervously playing with the scarf. “But I think there’s something wrong with me.”

Kuroo doesn’t try to interrupt him, even if he’s sure that nothing could ever be wrong about him.

“I like you” when he looks at him, a flash of relief runs through Kuroo’s eyes. “Esthetically speaking, I think you’re beautiful” he smiles sweetly when he sees a blush rise on Kuroo’s cheeks. “I feel free when I’m with you and I know I can always count on you, for whatever reason” he nods, catching his lower lip between his teeth when he knows he needs to add a ‘ _but’_. “But I’ve never felt what someone should feel when they fall in love” his eyes run away from him, suddenly finding his shoes very interesting. “When I think about where I’ll be in thirty years, I can’t see myself in a normal scenario. I can’t see myself with a family of my own and I have no interest in finding someone to share the rest of my days with. I just wasn’t made like that.” He hides his hands inside the sleeves of his jacket, closing his eyes in anticipation for what he’s about to say. “What makes it worse is that the thought of you with someone else makes my skin crawl. So fucking selfish.”

The wind howls louder and no word is spoken for a few minutes.

“What about this don’t you understand?” Kuroo’s voice is so much more peaceful now, Kenma almost feels relieved. “I think you expressed your feelings pretty well.”

“What? Do you actually think that what I just said makes sense?” he almost laughs.

“Of course I do” Kuroo is too serious to be messing around with him, so Kenma straightens his back to look at him. “Aromanticism is valid, you know?” he shrugs with a tiny smile.

He can’t believe that he’s taking it so lightly. “Aro- what?” Kenma squints at his face and Kuroo looks visibly surprised.

“You don’t know what aromanticism is?” he stutters a little and Kenma just shakes his head. “Oh. You must have been pretty confused, then” Kuroo looks genuinely concerned, but Kenma rolls his eyes so he hurries in an explanation. “Right, so… There's this theory, called the SAM model, which stands for Split Attraction Model. According to this, there are multiple ways in which you can experience attraction towards someone. The attraction could be, for example: sexual, romantic, physical, emotional, intellectual and so on.”

“Right” Kenma nods “what does this have to do with everything?”

“Well, you don’t have to refer to this model to express yourself, but I think it’s easier if you’re trying to understand it for the first time. Just follow me.”

Kenma reluctantly nods, but he’s actually pretty curious because he never bumped into this SAM model before.

“It’s true that, for some people, being aromantic, asexual or both means that they never experience any form of attraction whatsoever. But it’s also true that you can feel connected with someone, even if you experience little or no romantic attraction at all, because there are so many other types of attraction you can feel. This makes you fall into the aromantic spectrum, too” he finishes his speech and looks into Kenma’s eyes “from what you said, I believe it’s your case.”

Kenma is silent for a couple of minutes and Kuroo feels his heart beat faster in his stomach. “But you do feel romantic attraction, don’t you?” he asks him.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Then this is pointless” he sadly shakes his shoulders, while a bitter laugh is carried by the wind. “The problem is the same, regardless of the label I choose to use.”

“I just told you it’s fine, it doesn’t mean that you’re broken or anything” he reaches forward to take his hand, but Kenma shrugs it off.

“Why don’t you understand that I can’t love you back?” he jumps off the fence and walks away to put some distance between them, but hears Kuroo’s footsteps behind him. “I’ve tried to feel that way and I can’t!” he whips around, throwing his arms in the air. “And guess what? I have never felt sexual attraction, either!” he lets his arms fall by his side, unable to meet Kuroo’s eyes. “Do you really want to be with someone who can’t give you what you need?” his voice brakes multiple times in the last sentence and he gulps.

“How do you know what I want in a relationship?” Kuroo’s tone is even, he doesn’t flinch in front of Kenma’s outburst. “How do you know that I need sex or dates or freaking love poems, Kenma?”

He doesn’t have an answer. In fact, he realizes that he just assumed that, since Kuroo feels standard sexual and romantic attraction, he’d want a love story. He thought everyone but himself wanted a happy ever after, and that finding your soulmate was what everyone desired. Because that’s what everybody says: from movies to books, from songs to history, everything talks about love as the sole purpose in life. And he felt left out.

Kenma’s silence gives Kuroo the time to step closer and hold his hands, pulling him into a hug. He takes his face in his hands and looks him right inside his soul when he tells him: “Why is it so hard to understand that I just need you in my life?” he smiles, thumbs brushing away his hair from his eyes. “I was perfectly fine with what we had until two weeks ago. There’s no need to be in a romantic relationship if we’re both happy.”

Kenma feels hot and sticky tears roll all the way down his neck and into his sweater. He feels himself relax in Kuroo’s arms, breathing in the comforting scent of his soap and letting his mind find peace in the feeling of being accepted for who he truly is.


	3. Let's try

Kenma lazily rolls around in his swivel chair, holding the laptop on his crossed legs. “Check this out” he turns the screen towards Kuroo, who is sitting on the bed with his back against the wall, studying from an insanely thick book. “Did you know that there are a lot of other labels? Like, asexual and aromantic are just umbrella terms.”

Kuroo pushes up his glasses on the bridge of his nose using his index. “Yeah, I know” he smiles smugly.

“What?” Kenma makes a disappointed face, returning to his previous position on the chair. “How do you know so much stuff? It’s like… the hidden part of the LGBT community. I’ve never heard of those things before.”

Kuroo scoffs, “You think I don’t do my gay homework?” He laughs, resting the book in his lap “why do you ask, anyways? Didn’t you believe me when I told you that aromanticism is valid?”

“I believed you, but” Kenma pushes with his hands against the desk to slide closer to the bed, “I had to see it for myself, you know?”

Kuroo hums, then goes back to his book, holding the highlighter between his teeth while he flips the pages. It’s not even a minute later that he’s interrupted by Kenma’s Angry Bird socks on his knees. He lifts his eyes from the text, already feeling Kenma’s glare digging a hole into the side of his head: “What?”

“I don’t know where I fall in the spectrum” he tugs at his lower lip, eyes rolling to the ceiling “there are, like, so many shades of what it means to be aro or ace.”

Kuroo closes the book in his hands, making sure to keep his thumb between the pages to find the same paragraph later, and plays with Kenma’s furry socks with the free hand. “They’re just labels, Ken. You don’t have to fit anywhere.”

“I know, but they’re so… useful” he places the computer on the mattress “since you told me there is an actual label for me, I feel like I belong somewhere.” Kuroo smiles at him and is about to say something, but Kenma makes him laugh when he adds: “Plus, aroace memes are so funny.”

They fall back in a comfortable silence and Kuroo decides to take the chance to finish that damn chapter. He has about one and a half paragraphs left, when Kenma interrupts him again calling his name.

“Tetsuro?”

“Mh?” he tries to keep his eyes on the text, focusing on the words and not on Kenma’s soft socks.

“Can I” he stops and gulps, making Kuroo direct his eyes to him with one arched eyebrow, before deciding to finish the sentence: “Can I say I’m gay, even if I’m asexual? Cause I like boys… I mean, esthetically and stuff…”

“Sure. Use the label you prefer.” He smiles politely, but at this point the only thing he wants is to close the freaking book and cuddle Kenma until he falls asleep. He sighs, eyes scanning the rest of the page to check how long it will take, but the suddenly cold air on his thighs distracts him once again. He looks up in question, finding Kenma removing his feet from his lap. “No, come back here” he pouts.

Kenma giggles, taking the laptop with him before crawling on the bed and laying down, using Kuroo’s thighs as a pillow. Tetsuro happily lets his fingers slide into Kenma’s hair, resuming his reading.

_One paragraph left, yes._

But that’s exactly when the smaller boy jolts up in a sitting position, scooting closer to him. “Look at this” he places the laptop in Kuroo’s lap, resting his head on his shoulder.

A Wikipedia page is open on the screen. He scans it quickly, reading something about non-romantic and platonic relationships. “I told you, I already know about this stuff” he closes the screen of the laptop to place it beside him on the duvet and opens the book instead “What I don’t know are the _Laws and Dynamics of Global Economy_ ” he points to the title with a deadpan expression.

“Sorry” Kenma pouts and starts to get up to walk back to the desk, but Kuroo’s fingers promptly wrap around his wrist making him fall backwards and collide into his chest.

“Just one paragraph left, then we can watch something on the tv, okay?”

Kenma nods, settling between Kuroo’s legs, and lets him place the textbook on top of his knees, holding the highlighter for him while they read through the last paragraph together. Tetsuro points at the sentences he wants to underline and Kenma does as he’s told, until they finally reach the end of the chapter.

“Wow, and here I was considering taking marketing in college” Kenma chuckles.

“Really? You never told me!”

“I know, cause I changed my mind pretty quickly. I’ve found this other major in _digital games programming and marketing_ and I kind of fell in love with it.” He shrugs.

Kuroo almost jumps, craning his neck to look at him. “What? But that’s in - “

“Osaka, I know” he interrupts him with a tiny smile “don’t get so confident, it’s not because of you.”

“So, it’s just a coincidence if the major you ‘ _fell in love_ _with’_ happens to be in my college?” Kuroo grins smugly, but doesn’t leave him time to answer, squeezing Kenma in a tight hug. “Aw, I’m so happy.”

“Oh my gosh, stop it already” Kenma wiggles out of his arms, trying to breathe, and reaches for the remote to turn on the tv. “What do you want to watch?” he asks, falling back on his chest.

“Whatever you want, I’ll probably fall asleep within five minutes anyways.”

“Jeez, same old grandpa energy, uh?” he snuggles closer, curling up against Kuroo’s soft pullover and deciding on Detective Conan.

Kuroo doesn’t answer. After a few minutes, Kenma lifts his chin to check on him and smiles when he finds him with his lips parted and sound asleep, snoring lightly.

* * *

“Did you wear my green hoodie? I’m sure I left it here last time, but I can’t find it anywhere.” Kuroo calls from where he’s buried into Kenma’s closet, rummaging through his clothes.

“The one with the black flowers on the front?” Kenma peeks out of the bathroom door, his hair held tight in a bun and a towel around his shoulders. Kuroo barely grunts a pained yes. “Oh, yeah. I dropped some soba on it, it’s in the washing machine now.” He disappears back inside, turning on the water to take a shower.

“I’m wearing one of yours, then” Kuroo yells back, not expecting to hear a reply, thankful for Kenma’s habit of wearing everything twice his size.

He drops on the bed and finds the laptop where Kenma left it yesterday evening, suddenly remembering that he was trying to show him something before they got distracted by the tv. The Wikipedia page talks about queer platonic and alterous relationships, nothing he doesn’t already know about, but it still makes him wonder why did Kenma want to show him that. Now that he thinks about it, he’s been acting all bubbly and happy since their conversation in the park a week ago, and Kuroo isn’t saying that he doesn’t feel happy for him, but he can see that his behavior is hiding something. But then again, he might just be reading too much into things: maybe he’s simply ecstatic for the new discovery.

He’s about to close the computer, when Kenma walks back in the room wearing fresh clothes.

“Did I ever tell you that you look hot with a man bun?” Kuroo tells him, distractedly.

Kenma smiles, jumping on the bed beside him to take a peek at what he’s doing with his laptop. “Now you did.” He furrows his brows when he sees he’s on the same page he was yesterday.

“You wanted to show me this?” he asks, closing the screen to face him.

“Oh, yeah” a look of realization crosses his face, but he waves it away “but you probably already know, so it’s alright.”

“You know you can ask me anything, right?” he doesn’t know why, but he has a feeling that something is troubling him.

His thoughts are confirmed by Kenma’s reaction: he gulps and looks away, worrying his lower lip with his teeth. “I mean, kind of?”

“What’s up then?” he knees in front of him, mirroring his position, but taking his hands and tugging on them with what he hopes looks like a comforting smile.

Kenma exhales slowly, then shakes his head, tightening the grip on Kuroo’s hands. “Okay, alright” he closes his eyes and shuffles a little, until he’s almost at eye-level with him. “I… I think I want to try something” he says in a rush, looking at Kuroo just the bare minimum to notice a blush rising to the tip of his nose. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I think I would like it” he nods, underlying his words, “at least, in my head I do.”

“Uhm” Kuroo feels his whole face heat up. _What does he want to try?_ “Okay?”

Kenma clears his throat and finds the confidence to look into Kuroo’s eyes. “I’ve never kissed someone.” He gulps, watching closely for his reaction.

Kuroo feels a heavy weight lift up from his chest. He smiles genuinely, letting his shoulders slump slightly forward and his back relax.

“Have you?” he’s quick to ask.

“I have” Kuroo nods, pressing his lips together, still smiling.

“And, uhm” Kenma slides with his back against the wall, tugging on Kuroo’s hands to make him scoot closer until they’re sitting crisscrossed facing each other with their legs intertwined together. “How was it?”

Kuroo scratches his chin, thinking back about it. “It depends. The first one was awkward” he chuckles “but after that it got better.”

“Oh” Kenma nods, absentmindedly playing with the fabric of Kuroo’s sweatpants. “And… who did you kiss?”

Kuroo blinks, his lips parted and his hand freezing on his chin. “Do you really…?” Kenma shrugs, so he clears his throat. “Well, the first one was during my freshman year in high school. I was still trying to figure out my sexuality and everything, I didn’t even know the guy. Then, I uhm” he trails off, his eyes running around the room and a pink flush coloring his cheeks. “IkissedBokuto” he blurts out, just slightly more than a whisper.

“You what?” Kenma laughs, punching him on the shoulder.

“I know! Ugh” he shudders with a grimace.

“Was it that bad?” Kenma giggles.

“No, not at all! He’s a… really good kisser” even though the face he makes when he says it makes Kenma think otherwise. “But we were wasted. It happened during the summer camp of our second year… we just… made out in the locker room.” He sheepishly looks down at their feet tangled up together.

“That’s it? Two kisses?” he lifts one eyebrow. “I thought you were more of a player.”

“Actually” he rubs the back of his neck, eyes still glued to their socks. “The summer after that, I met a guy at the beach” he bites his lip.

“You mean, like, last summer? The summer of your third year?”

“Yeah” he answers, holding his head low.

“Uh, that’s funny” Kenma smiles “I thought you already liked me, back then.”

“I did” Kuroo nods. “I just… wanted to try, I guess? And you never came to the beach with me, so I made some friends.”

He finally lifts his head to look into his eyes and Kenma is surprised to find them weighed down by a guilty expression. He furrows his eyebrows, not understanding the reason for this sudden mood.

“We had… how do you call it?” he shrugs, “A fling? A one-night stand?” he chuckles, the guilt still evident in his eyes. “I really, _really_ liked you, though, and I felt like I… cheated on you, somehow.”

“But we were just friends.”

“I know, but” he shrinks in his shoulders, pursing his lips, “We’ve always been acting like a couple, you know? Like this” he gestures towards their tangled legs and hands holding each other’s.

Kenma nods, not sure if he fully understands his feelings. He decides to shrug it off and lets his mind rewind back to his first thought: “Anyway, I want to try.” He states confidently, with a sting of anticipation at the base of his throat.

Kuroo clears his throat, biting the inside of his cheek to hold back a smirk. “Let’s try then” he smiles, reaching forward to cup Kenma’s cheek.

Kenma changes position to kneel in front of him, in order to be at the same eye level. He’s not sure of where to place his hands and he’s grateful when Kuroo takes the lead, guiding them to rest on his shoulders. He nervously licks his lips in anticipation, holding his breath when he realizes that they are already just a few inches apart. It’s really happening.

Kuroo refrains from smiling, even though it’s hard when you are about to kiss the cutest creature on earth. With his hand on Kenma’s chin, he gently tilts his face to make their lips collide in a tender touch, feeling him release a breath at the very moment their mouths mold together into the kiss. When he feels the muscles on his neck relax, he starts to slowly move his lips, waiting patiently for Kenma to follow his rhythm and catch up to his movements, slowly but surely.

When they break out of the kiss, Kenma is surprised to find that his cheeks feel hot. He smiles, keeping their faces close enough to let their noses rub together. “That was nice.”


	4. Coming out

He hates the feeling of sweat on his body: it’s sticky and gross. He wishes he could just play volleyball without ever sweating, but sadly biology has different plans for the human race.

Kenma slouches across the locker room to reach his bag on the bench, then lets his limbs rest limply on the wood, swiping the sweat away from his forehead with a towel. He reaches into the pocket of his jacket to retrieve his phone and his eyebrows furrow in confusion when he finds three lost calls from Kuroo. That’s weird. Not because it’s unusual for him to call him multiple times, but because he knows Kenma is at the gym right now, so why should he call him? It makes him think this must be something urgent, so he decides to press the call back button and put his phone on speaker to get changed while talking to Kuroo.

It rings just a couple of times, before he picks up.

“Hi, sorry for calling when you have practice” he starts immediately and Kenma nods, even if he knows he can’t see him “but I need to ask you something.”

Kenma is about to tell him that it’s alright, but Tora jumps up from where he’s taking off his shoes beside him and snatches the phone from the bench before he can stop him. “Kuroo! Man, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in ages!”

Kenma feels the edge of uneasiness in Kuroo’s voice when he answers: “You know, I’ve been busy with studying and stuff…” he trails off, telling a huge lie. Kenma rolls his eyes: he comes back home every single weekend. Tora is already talking, but Kuroo harshly cuts him off before he can start ranting about some practice match: “Kenma, I… uhm, it was kinda important… can I talk to you in private?” he tries to get rid of Tora, but the result is the opposite.

The fact that Kuroo wants to talk with him alone is apparently a topic of great interest in the Nekoma volleyball team: the sentence not only catches Lev and Fukunaga’s attention, but it also manages to raise a wave of ‘ooh’s and whistles in the locker room. Soon, the noises become too loud for Kenma to hear his own thoughts and he scrunches up his face in annoyance.

“What the…? Shut the hell up, you assholes! This is serious!” Kuroo starts complaining through the speaker, so Kenma finally decides to lift the phone to his ear and crosses the room to reach the small balcony next to the showers, stepping out in the cold air of December.

“I’m outside now, sorry” he inhales deeply, lifting up the hood of his sweater and leaning against the railing “did something happen?” he doesn’t know if he should be concerned, so he decides to play it cool for now.

“Kind of” he hears Kuroo shuffle around with the phone on the other side, until the line is still and silent.

“Tetsu?” Kenma’s voice is small and tentative, he surely is acting weird.

“A guy was flirting with me at lunch” he finally admits in a monotone.

Kenma lifts his eyebrows and rests his head on the palm of his hand, “oh”. He doesn’t know why, but he feels surprised.

“Yeah, he asked me to go to a party or something… I obviously said no.”

Kenma scrunches up his nose “Why are you telling me this, Kuro?”

“Don’t _Kuro_ me” he scoffs playfully and Kenma rolls his eyes, Tetsuro easily gets salty when he purposely mispronounces his family name. “The point is, I made up an excuse not to go, but I kind of wanted to say that I have a boyfriend.”

This makes him almost smile, amused by his concept of ‘ _something serious’_. “Why didn’t you, then?”

“We’ve never really talked about it?” he stutters just a bit, clearing his throat at the end of the sentence. “I mean, what should I call our relationship in front of other people? Should I call you my boyfriend or my partner? Or maybe do you prefer friend? Should I just say you’re my best friend? I don’t know, I panicked.” He speaks without catching his breath.

“And you’re panicking now, too” he giggles. “Listen, you’re the one who said it’s just a label, right?” he asks, rhetorically “You should call our relationship what you like.”

“I’m just scared I might involuntarily out you, you know?” he admits. “If I say you’re my partner, people might ask for explanations because humans are rude like that.”

Kenma takes a few moments to think about it, then speaks: “You’re right, I’m not ready to let anybody else know I’m aroace…” he exhales, shaking his head, “just say I’m your boyfriend, it’s easier.”

Kuroo snickers from the other side of the phone “Since when is being gay the easier option?”

“I know right?” Kenma finds the situation pretty ironic, too: why does he feel safer, if homosexuality itself is discriminated against? Maybe it’s because nobody asks a gay guy what does it mean to like boys.

“Society is pretty fucked up, isn’t it?” at this point, Kuroo is fully laughing.

“Tell me about it” Kenma sighs, losing his gaze in the horizon, where the sun is setting behind tall buildings and antenna towers. A strong gust of wind suddenly makes his hair flutter in the air and he takes a step back from the railing.

“So, you sure you don’t prefer partner or something like that?” Kuroo asks, back to his serious voice.

Kenma shakes his head turning around to walk closer to the door, the wind causing a shiver to run up to the tip of his ears. “No, it’s alright. I’m your boyfriend.”

Kuroo answers something, but Kenma doesn’t focus on what he’s saying. When he lifts his head up to walk back into the locker room, he freezes on the doorstep and his mouth hangs open. He didn’t notice that the wind caused the door to swing wide open and everyone inside is staring at him in an eerie silence. He’s stunned and doesn’t know how to move anymore, so much that he doesn’t even hear Kuroo’s voice on the other side of the phone calling his name.

Tora is wearing a smug grin on his face, while Lev is looking like a child at Disneyland and Fukunaga has jumped up from where he was tying his shoelaces to look at him with a happy smile and an excited look in his eyes.

“Fuck” is the only sound his mouth manages to produce through the shock.

“Kenma? What happened? Are you alright?”

He can hear the urge in Kuroo’s voice, but he has to gulp a few times before his throat is able to produce a coherent sound. “I might have just accidentally come out to the whole team.”

Kuroo laughs when he can hear the sound of everyone cheering and hooting at the revelation and he can feel that, even if he’s acting all annoyed and grumpy, Kenma is happy for their reaction, too.

“Let’s go celebrate!” Tora exclaims so loudly that Kuroo hears him through the phone, making him giggle and send Kenma a good luck before hanging up.

Kuroo snickers while zipping his bag closed and putting his phone away. Bokuto joins the laugh with a smile, taking his water before walking out of the locker with his friend. “So, he came out to the team?” Kuroo nods, unable to keep his mouth in a straight line. “Ha!” he bursts out into a laugh, “you know, something similar happened to me and Keiji when we got together.”

And that’s when Kuroo’s smile drops. The topic of Keiji moving abroad is still a fresh wound for Bokuto, even if it happened a year ago: it’s always hard to tell if his best friend is happily reminiscing the past or trying to express his heartache.

“We were… well, we got too caught up in making out after practice” he giggles, eyes glistening in the sharp lights of the gym, “and when we stepped out of the locker room, Keiji had a hickey on his neck and my hair was all ruffled. Everyone was staring at us, until they just started messing around and laughing.” He shakes his head “Keiji never forgave me for that.”

Kuroo is sure there’s a tinge of melancholy in his last sentence, so he can’t find it in himself to laugh with him. “I’m sure he did” he pats Bokuto’s shoulder, but the other just shrugs. Kuroo really wishes Bokuto would let him know more of what’s going through his head. Uncharacteristically, he has been quite difficult to read during the past year: he would never sulk as openly as he did before, but most of the time he wasn’t even half as bubbly as he used to be. He missed his ball of sunshine. “So, New Year is coming uh?” he casually mentions, knowing that’s around when Keiji left last year.

Bokuto lets a couple of seconds pass without uttering a word, then he simply mumbles “yeah”, his face darkens and he speed walks to where the weights are.

Kuroo decides to follow and assist him on the bench to help him balance the weights on each side, holding the bar until he’s sure it isn’t too heavy. He’s about to keep the rhythm with his voice for him, but is taken aback when Bokuto starts lifting the weights aggressively, grunting because of the effort. His movements are too snappy and sudden: this won’t do any good to his muscles. He decides to stop him, holding the bar with his hands in midair. “Slow down, tiger! You’re gonna end up with a sprained shoulder if you keep pushing like that.”

With one last surge of brute force, Bokuto lets the bar fall back on the support, making it clang against it with a loud noise, then he stands up, stomps to the corner of the room and crouches down with his back leaning on the mattresses propped up against the wall. Kuroo steps closer to find him shaking violently and covering his face with trembling hands. He seems to be struggling with inhaling normal amounts of air, his chest tightening around the need of oxygen.

At first, he doesn’t know what to do and tries to blame it on the excessive workout. He looks around with his hands on his hips for about half a minute, but then decides that he’s never seen him so distressed after an exercise… maybe he can try and comfort him. He squats down in front of him, resting one hand on his shoulder and slowly moving it in circles. “Breathe, Bokkun. It’s alright” he whispers in what he hopes is a soothing voice, then he lets his right hand fall on the other shoulder, mirroring the movements of the left. He holds the same position for at least ten minutes, before he can hear Bokuto’s breaths slowly returning to a steady pace.

When he finally feels like his lungs are expanding with a reasonable amount of air, Bokuto removes his hands from his face to reveal his tear stained chin and rosy cheeks. He wordlessly accepts Kuroo’s hug falling on his knees to lay his head on his chest, overwhelmed by the new wave of pain that’s hitting him right in the stomach.

Kuroo doesn’t speak until he feels him relax. When he does, he draws circles on his back with the palm of his hand and tells him he’s sorry for bringing up those memories.

“It’s not your fault” Bokuto’s voice is small and croaky, “it’s true, New Year’s coming up.” His lower lip shakes violently, causing him to stop talking and inhale sharply, “but I still miss him” he sniffles “so fucking much.”

“Want to talk about it?” Kuroo offers “I always talk about Kenma, it’s just fair if I hear you venting about him.”

“I wouldn’t even know what to say” he shrugs “I know nothing about him or what he’s doing in Rome.”

“You could tell me something like…” he trails off, thinking about it and sitting on the floor in front of Bokuto, “what did he tell you in his last email? Are you sending him a postcard for New Year? Or maybe even a present, you know, you could send it by post.”

Bokuto lets his whole body-weight bring him to the floor, sitting with his legs sprawled open like a giant baby. He shakes his head. “The last time I’ve heard from him was in April.”

Kuroo furrows his eyebrows because one: this doesn’t sound like Akaashi at all; and two: “Why the hell didn’t you tell me about it?”

“Didn’t want to think about it” he shrugs sheepishly. “For all this time, I just made up excuses for him. Like, maybe he doesn’t have a computer anymore, or maybe he lost my email address” he scoffs bitterly “but at this point, I think I’m just losing hope.”

Kuroo sighs. This isn’t an easy situation. He knows Akaashi left for his own good reasons and he can’t blame him, but seeing his best friend so shattered and lost just makes him want to punch him. “You know, he’s just turned eighteen pretty recently” he reminds him “and he promised you he’ll be back this spring” he doesn’t know if he sounds convincing at all, this is literally his last resort. “Maybe the fact that he’s not writing anymore means nothing, maybe he’s just planning his return.”

The following silence gives Bokuto time to weigh his words and Kuroo the time to doubt them instead. He realizes that what he said isn’t rational, at all, and that holding onto it would mean to be utterly desperate. This is why he’s more worried than surprised when Bokuto nods. “Alright, but if he’s not back before May” he arches his eyebrows, as serious as ever, “then I’ll need you to help me move on.”

Kuroo nods. “Sounds good to me”, at least it’s less desperate than he thought. He stands back up and offers a hand to help him to his feet, with a sly smile. “For now, let me treat you to some barbecue after the workout.”


End file.
